Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

According to The Guardian newspaper “January often sees twice a many people beginning divorce proceedings as at any other time of the year.” January is the traditional time to ‘begin again’ and many couples want to let their children enjoy a last family Christmas before breaking up. For others the stress of the festive season can be the final straw for an unhappy union. 

If a couple are lucky enough to have an amicable breakup they should ensure it stays that way by putting a legal agreement in writing – especially about anything relating to children – custody, visitation rights etc. Memory is fallible and if it’s all written down, dated and signed it makes life easier for everyone.

Most couples will try to ensure that their children don’t suffer during the breakup. This is a commendable attitude but the bald fact is that divorce and separation hurt. However, parents can take certain steps to help make the situation as painless as possible for their offspring.

Decide together how and when you are going to tell your children and what exactly will be said and by whom. Although it sounds cringe-making, practice your speech together before you deliver it.  Emotions will be running high and if you both stick to the planned script and keep things as calm as possible it will help minimize the upset. 

Remember no matter how you tell your children they will be upset and this is a conversation they will remember for the rest of their lives. Advance preparation is about damage limitation. Similarly, as parents we want to protect our children and when it comes our own relationships breaking down we don’t want to hurt them. It’s very distressing to see your children upset especially if you feel you are to blame. No matter how you address the subject of your new family reality try to keep the following messages clear:

• It’s US not you
• It’s not your fault
• We love you and we will always love you

Keeping information back from the kids in an attempt to protect them from reality will do them no good. Your child knows that things are happening and in the absence of information they will worry.  The amount of information you give your kids and the way you present it depends on their age and maturity. Answer questions as asked, keep it simple and don’t overburden them. Don’t forget that for some children while they may be sad they may also be relieved.

Even if you believe your ex was at fault (even if you KNOW your ex was at fault) don’t make your children take sides. Try to avoid getting angry or discussing serious issues in front of them, especially if they relate to custody, access or finance.

While your relationship as romantic partners may be at an end your relationship as parents will continue. In the future you will need to act in tandem on certain parenting issues for the good of your offspring. So while in the immediate aftermath of the break up you may not want to be in the same post code as your ex you need to remember that at times in the future you may have to be in the same room with them (weddings, funerals, graduations etc.).

If you cannot communicate effectively with each other seek mediation as you will be parents and perhaps grandparents for a very long time.

USEFUL WEBSITES CAFCASS www.cafcass.gov.uk (Has areas with information for children and another for Teens to help them through separation), National Family Mediation www.nfm.org.uk Parentline Plus www.familylives.org.uk

When do you introduce a new person?
A survey released in November 2015 revealed huge differences in the way women and men approach introducing a new partner to their kids.  Family law experts at Simpson Miller surveyed 1000 men and women. While women thought 18 months was the right time most men didn’t see any reason to delay. The website www.singleparents.org recommends introducing a new partner when “the relationship is happy, stable and you are sure it has a future.”

It may seem like stating the obvious but do not expect your child to be as excited and happy as you are about your new relationship. The child will likely feel threatened and displaced by the new person leading to confusion and possibly jealousy. 

How you introduce the new person to your child will also have an impact on how they feel about them. While its tempting to kill every bird with one stone and invite your new love to a big family event such as a wedding, or to Christmas celebrations – don’t! The first meeting should be as low key and casual as possible. Don’t spring it on your child either. Keep it short, sweet and simple. Do remember to let the newbie and the kids talk to each other. In order to ease the passage from ‘incomer’ to ‘family’ let everyone get to know each other on their own terms and don’t force the situation. 

Also, in the early days, try to avoid physical contact while the children are around. Hand holding may seem quite innocent to you but your kids may find it hard to cope with. Keep kissing strictly private. Even if you follow all the ‘rules’ remember that you cannot make your child like your new partner or vice versa. 

If the child acts out or behaves badly around your new partner give them a chance to articulate what their problem is. Again, it may be stating the obvious, but you need to listen carefully to what they say especially as it may not be what you want to hear. In most cases if you give your child time to get to know the new person on their own terms the situation will settle down and they will accept the changed structure of the family unit.

Finally, whatever relations are like between you and your ex, it is not up to the children to tell them about your love life! It is your job to tell your ex about your new relationship and the fact that this person is being introduced into your children’s lives. This is information your ex needs, just as you would want to know if they were introducing the children to a new person.