Tantrums

What is a tantrum?

It is an outburst of frustration, annoyance, impatience, anger and rage in a child when his request is denied.

Do most children throw a tantrum or two in early childhood?

The answer is yes they do.

Is it fair to the child to allow him to enter his own world of Pre-school and Junior school thinking that tantrums work?

The answer is of course no.

When a child throws a tantrum in front of his peers in school, it may frighten other children and make it more difficult for that child to form friendships and to be included in playground games.

The safest and best place to deal with tantrums is in the loving environment of home, as that is usually where the first tantrum happens.

It can be a huge shock to parents when their wonderful, loving child has his first temper tantrum. This outburst of rage and frustration can happen without any warning.

If there is more than one adult present, it is important to have an agreed strategy to deal with the situation. If a child notices even the slightest disagreement between the adults, he will quickly learn how to break down the most vulnerable adult. When the child’s request is met, he will kiss and hug the adult who indulged him and isolate the other person. He soon realises that he has an ally and will repeat the tantrum only when the vulnerable adult is present.

The easy option is to give in, indulge the screaming child and restore peace and quiet. This is a very short-sighted solution, as the child will inevitably repeat this behaviour, now that he knows that it gets results. It is important to remember that negative behaviour that goes unchecked, does not go away.

If the first tantrum is dealt with in a firm and loving manner, the child may repeat it, but will soon learn that as a means of negotiation, tantrums do not work. The child will be happier, the home will be happier and he will be ready to face the world of school and his peers without the burden of tantrums.

Tantrums are not a negative reflection on the child, the parents or their parenting skills. Always remember that you love your child and that he loves you. This first tantrum is only a hiccup and if handled properly will not become a problem later on.

It is a good idea to be prepared for the first tantrum and the following points may help,

Try to remain calm. This will be difficult, but always remember that you are the adult and that the child is still learning his social skills.

Tell him once in a clear voice (and not a cross voice) why his request is being denied. Sometimes a small child thinks that you are refusing his request only because you are cross.

Do not negotiate, as he is not listening to you.

Do not offer bribes, these will increase as the tantrums inevitably will.

Do not make any threats.

Ensure the child’s safety; hold him securely in your arms if necessary.

Do not shout at him or slap him. This will add to his distress and you may regret it later.

As the tantrum winds down, distraction may focus his attention away from the drama. A good form of distraction is to ask the child about a pleasant future event, maybe a birthday party, a visit from his grandparents or an outing.

Do not over-analyse or discuss the behaviour, as most children want to move on and be re-assured.

If the first tantrum is handled correctly, subsequent ones should not last as long or be as intense. The child will eventually learn that as a means of negotiation, tantrums do not work.

Margaret Horan and Geraldine O’Brien are co – authors of READY FOR SCHOOL.  They are both teachers and are currently teaching in Hollypark Boys’ School in Blackrock, Co. Dublin. Margaret has also taught in Switzerland and in Nigeria. As parents and teachers they have had many years experience educating the young child. They wrote the book READY FOR SCHOOL (Veritas ) to help parents prepare their children for their educational journey. Their book also provides practical advice on many other topics to help you and your child to enjoy school.