Sibling Rivalry

"It's inevitable! Man has never lived closely with others in perfect harmony -so why should children?" Sibling rivalry and the chaos it can provoke is almost accepted behaviour in most family households. There are, however, some tried and tested methods of at least subduing and possibly even stopping (albeit temporarily) the minor skirmishes in a seemingly endless war.

A. FIRST WARNING

Do your children seem to squabble all the time? Is it driving you mad? How can you stop it? It's unlikely that anyone will get hurt but they're not the only ones who get wound up by their constant needling and bickering. It's so irritating for innocent bystanders!

So in football parlance, give them a yellow card! Issue a warning that if they don't play together peacefully - or at least quietly - then you will stop the game.

The football metaphor, 'You're on a yellow card!' is a graphic way to issue a warning and works particularly well with boys. Fear of the subsequent 'red card' and 'sending off' may just be enough to stop them bickering.

B. IF YOU'RE GOING TO FIGHT - GO OUTSIDE

Bickering and squabbling often bothers the listener more than the antagonists. Faced with low-level warfare of the most irritating kind, try moving the battlefield to somewhere where you can't hear them. As long as you're sure that no one will get hurt, this solves your problem.

C. SEPARATE THEM

If the bickering starts again, separate them. If they can't play together, they'll have to play alone. Each will claim to be delighted at this prospect, but playing alone is seldom as much fun as playing with someone else. They now have an incentive to sort things out between themselves.

D. LET THEM SOLVE THEIR OWN PROBLEMS

If you want them to sort out the cause of the problem, different tactics are required. Tell them they have a certain amount of time to get the matter sorted, after which you'll take away the toy, turn off the television or remove whatever is causing the disagreement. The best long-term solution to squabbling and bickering is to help your children develop their own ways of settling their differences. Reaching a compromise provides excellent lessons in negotiating and problem solving. When the agreement breaks down - as it undoubtedly will - make them go back and work things out again.

E. INTERPERSONAL SKILLS

Conflict and disagreements are facts of life. When peace finally breaks out between brothers and sisters, it's because they have used problem solving and negotiation skills instead of fighting. These will be very useful when they have to deal with other children at school and in the peer group. Remember - you'll never get it right but your "peacemaker" role will go some considerable way to making your life a little less stressed!

Submitted by Dr Dorothy Roberts