How to Build Confidence in your Child

Confidence comes in many packages, in many different forms of character, but it is always closely linked to a foundation of healthy self-esteem. Your child will be handed a passport to happy, healthy social skills and success as an adult if he or she has this sense of self-worth. Nurturing self-esteem is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give to a child, so let’s look at a number of ways on how it can be achieved.

‘Being there’: More happy and secure: that will be the child who is regularly comforted, who is assured of love and whose needs are responded to. As adults, we can relate to this. After all, who doesn’t enjoy unconditional attention being lavished on us by our nearest and dearest – we feel loved, valued and wanted. And this is fundamentally all our children want, too.

Self-worth, at a young age, is deeply connected to how responsive the main caregivers are. If a child voices his concern, and mum responds by listening and by ‘being there’ for him, he will feel valued. Children whose parents have devoted special time to them will get used to the positive feelings this provokes. Setbacks will feel alien to such children. They will be prompted to repair any ill feeling quickly, to return to their ‘normal’ sense of well-being. This ability to overcome life’s knocks will stand them in good stead throughout life and help them overcome adversity. It’s never too late to show your child your unwavering support.

They’re worth it!: Children who feel happy with who they are will believe they are worthy of love and are more likely to be comfortable in their own skin. A child who has these positive feelings will act confidently and  find it easier to get along with others. With honest support, children need to learn about their individual strengths and weaknesses. Parents can help by building up a child’s strengths, whilst working on the weaknesses in a sensitive manner. This support will develop a stronger level of self awareness and self-discipline.

Giving responsibility: Of course it’s tempting to want to wrap our children in cotton wool, especially when we know how cruel the world can be, but this over-parenting style will not o er any favours. Children need responsibility. Sometimes we feel guilty when we ask our children to complete jobs around the house, but they need to learn to become more independent. Star charts work really well, and are visible proof that the children have helped.

Allowing feelings: Children don’t always understand why they feel the way they do. As adults we understand why they feel stressed as SATs loom, or when they have to perform in front of the whole school. But they can’t comprehend why they are acting so excitedly or aggressively. Be aware of their behavioural patterns and, if something seems amiss, encourage them to talk to you about how they are feeling. A great time when many children choose to open up is at bedtime, just as you are saying goodnight to them.

Awarding praise: Pouring undeserved praise on a child may lead to overconfidence, thus making them feel vulnerable and less secure. Acknowledging effort is the best form of praise. A simple line such as, “You’ve tidied your room. You’ve made it look clean and smart. That has really helped” is believable and true. Or if a child has worked really hard on a piece of schoolwork, which still isn’t to a high standard, it is better to acknowledge the effort put in rather than what has been achieved. Encourage children to acquire new skills through praise, yet be aware of comparisons with peers or siblings.

Build good friendships: We all worry that our children will fall in with the wrong crowd, so it’s definitely worth keeping a watchful eye on their friendships, even at an early age. Sometimes, a youngster may need a little assistance to choose a compatible playmate. If you want your child to develop a friendship with a particular child, ask the teacher to sit them by each other, and develop a rapport with the parents of the other child. Don’t always leave your child’s friendships to chance! As each year goes by at school, the influence of peers becomes greater. Creating a solid set of values and beliefs at home will help reduce the level of peer influence.

Work on your own self-esteem: As parents, we often neglect our own needs. How often do you feel as though you are on automatic pilot, just managing to keep things ticking along, yet are starved of that precious ‘me’ time? Happy children are the product of happy parents. If you are suffering from low self-esteem, you may need to remind yourself of your qualities and strengths or seek help through close family or good friends. If you feel the roots of your low self-esteem run deeper, you may need professional assistance.

Play together: It might feel a chore and a huge drain on the grown-up agenda to allocate moments for ‘child’s play’ but this is of huge importance to any youngster. Play is a child’s ‘work’ – where they learn, grow and develop important social and cognitive skills. It is also a great time for parents to learn more about each child. It sends signals to them saying they are worthy of your time.

Encourage interests: Primary School children are at a perfect age to acquire interests and learn new skills. Especially, when youngsters hit their ‘tweens’, (the ages 8 to 12), parents can creatively use their influence, to steer children positively towards an activity, interest or skill that draws on a personal strength. Research shows us that if children believe they are good at one thing, their self-belief grows and benefits other areas of their life.

Kirsty Woodgate