Dealing with Divorce

Although it is hard, many families manage to deal with the inevitable changes that come with divorce in a way that removes much of the pain for the children.

How life changes on a practical level

In the early days of separation, children may find that they have to move

house, change school, and start to divide their time between Mum and Dad.   With the parents suddenly living under separate roofs, money issues may arise, and puts pressure on whoever pays the bills, the mortgage and so on. As a result, a child may find that the trickle of life's little luxuries temporarily dries up.

Ways to make life easier for your children

1.    Be open

Evidence shows how easy it is to bury one's head in the sand, and believe the less children know, the more protected they will be. This isn't so. Explain what is happening and what is going to happen, but spare them the details. They don't need, or want, to hear a graphic, step-by-step rendition of why you are separating from your ex-partner. But even with your edited version of events, be honest. Reassure your children that the separation isn't their fault, and keep them updated at each stage.

2.    Avoid arguments in front of the children

The anguish of divorce is softened for children if the parents act in a civil way towards one another. Two warring factions who are in conflict with each other and show constant bitterness will create a stressful environment. Research has shown that there is a correlation between a child's adjustment to divorce and the amount of fighting that he or she has witnessed. So, avoid heated discussions when the children are around and be aware that young ears have a tendency to listen when you least want them to. Visiting arrangements dealt with in a peaceful manner will reduce the amount of stress felt by children, as will the resolution of any disputes and disagreements early on.

3.    Be fair

When parents separate, many children may feel torn and confused, so it is especially important not to get them to take sides. Youngsters need to express their feelings openly and talk to each parent without guilt or fear of being disloyal to either of them.  If they volunteer stories or information about time spent with Mum, then Dad must try to listen without passing judgement. And vice versa, of course! If the separation was acrimonious and communication has broken down, avoid using your children as a weapon, messenger or spy.

4.    Keep in contact

Dividing time between two homes can be tough on any youngster, so correspondence by email, phone or letter may be a good idea to keep in touch with a parent they see less often due to distance. Unless it is unsafe, don't restrict access to your ex-partner, as children need quality time with both parents. Contact Centres are neutral venues where non-resident parents can spend time with their children. Call the National Association of Child Contact Centres on 0845 4500 280.

5.    Occasions to put
aside bad feelings

Of course, there are occasions and special events such as school plays, sports days and certain family events when a mark of unity will assure any child that both parents still love and value them.

6.    Talk through feelings

Children will cope better if you are available to listen and allow them to be upset and show emotion, especially if they blame themselves or harbour resentment toward one parent.  Many children feel angry and express their feelings only by behaving badly or 'acting out'. If this happens, it will help to give them the time and attention they need to acknowledge their hurt and disappointment..

7.    Consistency

As divorce is a time of great change, children constantly test the boundaries of each parent, yet they need stability and familiarity to anchor them. If it can be avoided, try not to 'uproot' and move home or change school. This can be particularly unsettling. Sticking with usual routines at meal times and bedtimes will offer consistency, as will, maintaining relationships with friends and other family members such as grandparents, aunts and uncles. A child will be given more scope to adjust to their parents' divorce if many parts of their life remain unchanged.

8.    Life After Divorce

Many parents get so wrapped up in the practical issues of divorce that they often forget to look after themselves. It's really important not isolate yourself and, if need be, don't be afraid to get outside help.  Parentline 0808 800 2222 is available 24 hours a day for support.

Practicalities and Arrangements

Personal disagreements aside, you need to co-operate on what is best for your children and address more practical issues, such as:

Deciding where your children will live and how they will keep in contact with both parents in future.

Working out how you will settle any potential disputes so as to least affect your children.

Any agreements that are amicably reached together are more likely to work in the long term. Family mediation services, Resolution mediators and solicitors, can help you do this.

If you can't reach an agreement, you can ask the courts to decide the matter. A solicitor will be able to advise you on this.

Useful Contacts:

National Society for Children and family Contact: www.nscfc.com.

Children and Family Advisory and Support (CAFCASS): www.cafcass.co.uk Tel: 020 7510 70