Building a Child’s Self-Esteem: Help a child manage stress

The pressures of everyday life are not exclusive to adults.  Indeed the stresses and strains of school work, family relationships and friendships can all take a turn in burdening a child with a mixture of overwhelming feelings they may not be able to control.  What started out as a small spark can blaze into a fiery inferno that can frighten a child and others too. 

Discovering what lies at the root of these strong feelings and finding ways to manage the big emotions will help a child regain self-control.  Being able to control such emotions will ultimately help build a child’s self-esteem as they grow more confident and self assured of remaining composed in any situation.

Stress affects children in different ways. It can make them feel tired, moody, bad-tempered, angry or over-sensitive. If left to fester, it can lead to sleeplessness, bed wetting, panic attacks and depression. It can also cause or contribute to physical problems such as headaches, migraines, asthma and eczema. 

Children cope with stress in different ways.  How well your child will cope, partly depends on the type of child they are. Some children have a naturally easy-going temperament, while others have a more tense and anxious disposition.

Stress can manifest itself in a number of ways but can lead a child to misbehave or act in way that is not usual for them.  Trying to understand why a child is behaving in an unusual way, by understanding different behavioural patterns, can help a parent remedy the problem. 

Why do children misbehave?

Children will misbehave for a number of reasons; they may be attention seeking to get the full attention they crave from their parents; they may be seeking revenge towards someone they feel has treated them badly; they may feel powerless in a situation and by not having control, will get angry with an older sibling or friend; or they may be feeling sad and behave badly to attract more attention, sympathy and affection.

How to help your child manage stress

Parents can help their children manage stress in a number of ways:

* Watch behavioural patterns: Be aware of any sudden changes in your child’s behaviour.  Intervene at an early stage if your child seems unusually withdrawn or aggressive.

* Acknowledge your child’s behaviour: Often a child will be oblivious to his own behaviour, so it will help if you notice when something is bothering him. Try to describe how you think your child is feeling, as he may not yet have words for his feelings. Help your child learn to identify different emotions by name. By labelling feelings children will be able to communicate and develop an emotional awareness.

* Listen to your child: It is important for a child to be allowed to voice his concerns without fear of judgement or blame. Give your child the time to talk. And listen patiently, attentively and calmly – that way they are more likely to open up.

* Think of solutions to problems: If there's a specific problem that's causing stress, discuss the alternative options with your child that may help ease the problem. Encourage your child to find his own solutions to the problem so he can feel reassured by his own decisions and feel more in control. Anticipate incidents that might create stress for your child and suggest a number of coping strategies that may help if they are faced with a stressful situation.

* Be wary of overload: If your child feels stressed simply by doing too much outside of school, and consequently struggles to keep up with homework, consider limiting the activities they do to give them time to relax and unwind.

* Be there: Just let your children know that you are always there for them; that they are loved and supported. Your cushioned support will give them the confidence to tackle life’s problems. 

If a child appears to be struggling at school...

If your child appears to be struggling or shows a different type of behaviour at school for no obvious reason, there may be an underlying cause such as a learning difficulty that is creating a challenge for them.  This is worth investigating further...

ADHD (Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder)

ADHD is the most common behavioural disorder in the UK, affecting around 3–9% of school-aged children. Symptoms of ADHD tend to start at an early age and may be more noticeable when a child starts school or when circumstances change. ADHD is normally diagnosed between the ages of three to seven and is more commonly diagnosed in boys. 

Children with ADHD can react in a number of different ways. Children with inattentive symptoms may be prone to making careless mistakes, having difficulty sustaining attention in class, or being easily distracted and forgetful.  Children with hyperactive symptoms may constantly fidget, may have difficulty playing quietly and may talk excessively. Children with impulsive symptoms may blurt out answers before questions have been fully asked, may interrupt conversations and may find it difficult to await their turn.

If you suspect your child is showing some ADHD symptoms, talk to your child’s teacher and your doctor for an evaluation.

Further reading: www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder

Dyslexia 

If a child shows obvious signs of intelligence yet their academic performance doesn’t match this ability, they may have an undiagnosed learning difficulty, which can lead to frustration.  Dyslexia is a common type of learning difficulty that affects the skills involved in the reading and spelling of words. People with Dyslexia have difficulty connecting the sounds of language to the letters of words so they may have difficulty understanding sentences. Dyslexia is a common learning difficulty affecting around 4-8% of all schoolchildren, and appears to be more common in boys than girls. If you think your child shows symptoms of Dyslexia talk to your child’s teacher. Around 95% of children respond well to educational interventions.

Further reading: www.bdadyslexia.org.uk

Dyspraxia

Dyspraxia is a developmental co-ordination disorder that affects smooth, co-ordinated movement. Symptoms may include problems with perception and language, clumsiness and a lack of co-ordination. A recent study in the UK found that just under 2 children in every 100 may have dyspraxia, with it being more common in boys. Talk with your child’s teacher if you believe your child is showing symptoms.

Further reading: www.dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk

Tips to help your child avoid stress

•Slow the pace of life down

•Ensure your child gets enough exercise and fresh air

•Make sure your child has enough time to relax and unwind

•Don't put too much pressure on your child to achieve

•Make your own behaviour an example of how to handle stressful situations

•Don't ignore your child’s feelings in times of crisis or change

Further reading:

The NSPCC website, www.nspcc.org.uk, contains really useful factsheets including one called ‘Keeping Your Cool’ which offers advice for parents on managing stress. 

Family Lives, www.familylives.org.uk, formally known as Parentline Plus, provides help and support in all aspects of family life. Available 24 hours a day, seven days a week through Parentline – call free on 0808 800 2222.

Kirsty Woodgate